By Matt Bentley
Do you like your computer? Do you not want to see it ruined? Then this article isn’t for you. Please only continue if you truly and really want to destroy your computing experience. I warned you!
1. Vacuum your computer. As you may know, computers don’t like static electricity much. Even the smallest amount is enough to fry a ram chip or a motherboard. So, vacuum that computer! Vacuum cleaners build up lots of lovely static charge that can instantly be transferred into your motherboard if you get a bit too close. It’ll be fried in no time!
2. Speaking of which, I take it you don’t like your data either? Well look no further. Not backing up your data into an external location like a plug-in hard drive means that eventually you’re sure to lose it! All hard drives fail eventually, so really it’s only a matter of time.
3. It’s also only a matter of time before your computer fails, or something goes wrong with it and you end up having to go to a new setup and logging back into your accounts on Facebook, Trademe and email again. But you can’t do that if you don’t write down your passwords! Better yet, set up 2-factor authentication with a phone number which you later don’t have access to. Then you’ll never be able to reset them! Losing access to all your contacts and emails is so hilarious, you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank – particularly if a hacker took over your account and then they use that access to pry their way into your other services.
4. Some of those criminals also make infected software and put it on the web. So make sure to download all the useful apps you can from just a bunch of random websites and then install them all on your computer. It’s the best way to make friends with the denizens of the online underworld. Everybody likes having more friends!
5. Those bottom-dwellers are also constantly searching for holes in the security of your operating system and hardware, then searching the web for computers which aren’t protected against such attacks. But your clever operating system is constantly being updated to ward off such attacks – not if you don’t let it though! Never restart or shut down your computer, and then those important security updates have no way to ward off your new internet friends.
6. Operating system updates are not to be confused with bits of software you can download called ‘driver updaters’ or ‘driver installers’ or similar – by and large these are nefarious backdoors for scammers and marketers to either steal your details or get you to buy something. Even when they are legitimate, often they install the wrong driver for your hardware, disabling or otherwise messing with your computing experience. So of course, install them all! The more the merrier.
Now that you know how to really, fully ruin your computer and your computing experience, get to it! And if all of the above fails, I suggest a large hammer, or perhaps a big glass of water. Maybe even some ice cream. Get creative!
In all seriousness folks, be careful. Since the lockdown began worldwide there has been a substantial increase in scams in New Zealand, over social media, email and phone. Think twice. If it looks too good to be true, or even a little bit dodgy, it probably is. Also, while we’re in Level 2 I’m continuing to do my ‘pandemic discount’, where dropping your computer into the workshop instead of me coming out to see you, nets you a whopping $10 off per hour.
Have you ruined your computer? Would you like it un-ruined? Email Matt on firstname.lastname@example.org or phone 0211348576.